Imma Bad Boy! ....Mike Lowreys Blog

Ok Ladies, it’s your turn to learn a bit about guy behavior.
In order for you to understand this shyt, I’mma need you to clear your damn mind.
Stop thinking about the bullshyt you was chit chatting with your BFF about.
Stop thinking bout why the bytch you don’t like at work is wearing that blouse with those jeans.
Stop thinking bout rushing home to watch Wendy Williams, Trya Banks,
Oprah, Desperate Housewives, or some other bullshyt reality TV show.

Are you ready? Ok Good. Now learn something!
Here we go on the way to Mars, watch the fugg out for that damn Mars Rover NASA left out here.
I keep tripping over its fuggin Short Circuit Johnny 5 is Alive Ass.

Basically this chart illustrates the main difference between Men and Women:

Since the chart is self explanatory, I’d like to get right into today’s class.
Ladies get a plate, grab some food from this knowledge buffet right here.
Guys are pretty much straight forward. This isn’t scientific analysis some guys won’t fit this profile.
But I bet 75% of guys will fit it (they won’t admit it though).

• WE don’t really care about whatever it is you are talking about unless whatever you are
  saying revolves around us getting a burger or a blowjob. Otherwise we don’t really care
  about how your day was, what happened on Greys Anatomy or about what that bytch
  Carol said at work and how you wanted to slap her. Like Chris Rock said,
  we will just nod and throw in occasional quips so that you think we care.
  You may not realize this but you may think you are talking to us,
  but what we hear is Charlie Brown’s teacher…
  
  ↔
• IF you think you look fat in it, we do also. But we don’t care because we wanna fugg you regardless.
  Yeah your thighs have gotten thick, yeah your ass is bigger ass bigger.
  More for us to grip and more for us to Kong. The only time we care is when you’ve gotten huge.
  Even then, we are still gonna fugg it. Don’t get it twisted, we ain’t gonna marry huge, we will fugg huge!
  Our fam will not be clowning us talking bout why you brought Big Momma to the fam reunion!
  
  Weight and body shape matters…A LOT.
  For example NFL wide receivers Terrell Owens weighs 220 lbs and OchoCinco weighs 195 lbs.
  
  This means Ladies if you weight 200 or over you need to hit NFL training camp.
  ↔
• WE don’t care if you are on your period and feel horrible. Our dyck still has needs and you still have a mouth, ass, tidday cleavage, ass cheeks, hands and toes. What does your period have to do with being able to put balls in your mouth? Nothing! So hook it up. No don’t ask us to wait ’cause our bodies just wasn’t built to do that. Why do you think you can never get a hold of us when you are on your flow. Cuz we’re at the club getting it in with the next chick. Sorry. Yeah we know it’s selfish, blame the lawd he made us this way.
  ↔
• WE don’t care HOW annoying Nicki Minaj is or how stupid she appears. We would still hit  it, then hit it again, then leave you and the kids without thinking twice just to keep hitting it.
  
  ↔
• UNLESS you have a ring on your finger and share a last name, don’t ask us to hold your purse.
  That’s that bullshyt. YOU are the only one that thinks it’s cute. But we still expect you to fugg us later on.
  By holding your purse it makes us look fruitacious as hell and stops us from getting play in that store. We can’t have shawty on the other side of the store we’ve been peeping at since the second we walked into the damn store see us with that purse.
  ↔
• CHEATING on you has to do with two things: either how the other chick looks or it was purely about how she catered to our ego.
  Ladies fellas need that ego stroked almost as we need our dycks stroked by you. One or the other needs to be stroked almost daily.
  One rule: the more dyck stroking you do the less ego stroking is needed, it doesn’t work the other way round.
  ↔
• ANY woman can lick taint. But can you make a meal from scratch? It’s important to us. Granted, we do appreciate you taking that box of kraft macaroni & cheese out and making it but making it from scratch (and it tasting good) is the difference between being a jumpoff and being a girlfriend. and if you can make a whole lotta shyt from scratch, it’s the difference between being a girlfriend and being a wife!
  
  ↔
• YES sports and video games ARE that important. Stop all that damn chatting while we’re watching the game or playing Wii.
  Unless your ‘tarded question asking ass is choking on a chicken or fish bone don’t bother us. Just shut the fugg up and bring us a beer.
  ↔
• YOUR friend that you think is hot? Yeah we think she is hot too. Yes we are trying to fugg her lil pretty ass every time your ass ain’t looking. Yes we got her number out of your phone and we do txt her without you knowing. The minute she opens the door we will Kong it good. Why would your friend do that, easy you told her we put it down in the bedroom. After hearing that from their girl chicks will try to take that their girl’s man. This is fact not fiction folks (especially when you’re packing 8 inches TRUST ME)!
  ↔
• DON’T ask us questions you don’t want the answer to. If something happened to you or we broke up, YES.. we would fugg one of your friends, most likely the one we’ve been txt’n for the past 3 months. Why on earth would any chick have their better looking than them girlfriends around their man is a mystery to me but you all do it, and us guys always try to fugg your pretty ass friends.
  ↔
• IF you are a jumpoff: WE don’t care HOW much time and effort you spent shopping for lingerie. We love it, but there is no need for it to be on your body for more than 3 minutes. When are we fuggin?
  If you are the main chick:  LINGERIE is a must especially if you’ve been together for more than 3 years. For example I know ladies who go lingerie shopping EVERY time I see them, then I know women who bust out flannel pajamas… Can you guess who gets the dyck?
  If you have been with a guy for a few years and don’t own a closet full of lingerie, you may not realize this but you guys have already broke up. Unless you have a body that won’t quit, then lingerie is a not required it’s a bonus treat.
  ↔
• IF you don’t let us watch porn and have our little fantasies, we will probably end up fuggin someone else.
  Trust me, a guy WILL act out his fantasies one way or the other. So wouldn’t you rather it be with you? Stop bytching and complaining and put on that damn naughty nurse outfit with the white fishnets and save your damn relationship.
  A man isn’t going to ask more than twice for you to do something before he goes hunting up in the club for the side chick.
  ↔
• YEAH, cheese DOES need to be on everything. Including you, don’t worry it’s only cheese. He’s just trying to combine his love for Vagina and his love of cheese into one session.  There’s nothing wrong with being neked with a slice a American  on each nipple in some black pumps in the bed waiting when he gets in.
  ↔
• WE will tell you whatever it is you want to hear if it means getting our balls in your mouth. Things we don’t even mean like…we love you. We will do whatever it takes for you to get our: balls in your mouth, dyck sucked, or taint licked. Do not trust a word that is coming out of our mouth around this time.
  ↔
• WE will tell you the absolute truth during the passion of sex or a superhead_blowjob. Ask us anything and you will get the 100% truth* (*the truth at that exact moment). Ask us the same thing 2 seconds after we bust that nut, you will get a different answer. We’ll be back to our lying ass can’t trust us selves.
  ↔
• REGARDLESS of what we say, we don’t really care if you spit or swallow it. You can use it to be the glue for your macaroni art for all we care. We just want it to be in your mouth. What happens to it after that, we don’t care. Every guy knows a woman who catches it in her mouth and likes it. We will NEVER let that woman go, even if we get married we’ll still have that woman on speed dial. So ladies if you are that chick, your man/hubby won’t be going anywhere. Also if your man has never let any man juice loose on various parts of your body, he not really into you.
  ↔
• MEN view marriage as the end of their life, not the beginning as women do. You will frequently hear a man say, “Shyt I’ve done all the shyt I’ve wanted to do in life. I can get married now”
  ↔
• MEN are simple, so ladies if you stop talking long enough to listen to them they will tell you exactly what they want from a companion. DO NOT IGNORE what they tell you, because the next chick won’t.
  ↔
• MEN don’t go to the club to listen to music and have a drink with their boys. I know what he told you. It ain’t so. We go to the club for chicks. We want to see hot chicks dressed up. We are visual, we need this. This is where we will most likely find our next girlfriend if you are not keeping it sexy for us. There or your friend we’ve been txt’n. But there is or will be another chick if your man is at the club every week. I don’t care if he’s a bouncer, bartender or promoter. EVERY guy is in a club to get with the next chick.
  ↔
• BASICALLY…You must know your man. If your man likes big tiddays and you’re an A cup… Beware! Cause that’s something that you can’t change without surgery. If your man likes strippers, guess what you need to do, strip for him. If your man is into skinny chicks and your 5′4 210lbs…hit the gym. Know your man’s fetysh and embrace them as long as it doesn’t involves pedophile shyt, or being trapped in a basement while lit cigarettes are being thrown at you, get with it!

For example: I’ll know I’ve found Mrs. Lowrey when I find a chick that owns a portable stripper pole, has fishnets in 7 different colors, owns fuggme pumps in 4 different colors, a decent amount of stilettos, has a special dresser drawer just for her 70 pairs of thongs and G strings, owns a slave collar and like to use a safe word, suggs a mean dyck and puts my balls in her mouth at least 2 twice a week. Lickin a taint once a month will only add bonus points. I’m guessing weight and cooking will get a pass if you can get the rest done.